To Harbor Hope...

It's a good thing, to be sure. To find the silver lining, the bright side. But today, I'm not sure holding on to hope did me any good. I’m at a loss for words, and I feel kind of foolish. My heart was so set on this thing working out, I barely considered that it wouldn’t. I finally received my email from Disney today and after three long weeks of waiting and lots of anxiety, I was turned down for a position in the Spring College Program.

Now certainly my life will go on, my day-to-day will move forward as it always does. I know this is not the end of the world and I am trying very hard not to lose the thread. After all, this was mostly the original plan, except in that version I was still in school for Spring semester and I would have been done with my degree in May. In that original version, I would have had an internship over the summer and would have been on my way back to Disney seeking a full-time job sometime next Fall or Winter. Instead, the updated plan says I must take a semester off to pay off my Fall tuition. This plan says that I have to stay in Iowa.

My heart hurts, and that is why I feel so silly. It’s not as though my whole career is ruined, and it’s not as if I don’t have options. I just didn’t do enough to prepare myself for this outcome, I was too confident. I’ll drive myself crazy over the what-ifs for a while- what if I had applied two weeks sooner? What if I hadn’t put off asking about a loan for so long? What if my first interview had gone as scheduled? I feel foolish because I lost out on an opportunity that I was very much looking forward to, but one that I have already experienced. I should be thankful for last year, and I am, but all I wanted to do was to walk down Main Street again. All I wanted was to watch Wishes and to be near the ones I love and miss so dearly. See, that’s where I went wrong too. I started making plans in my head, I got too excited, too hopeful. I tried so hard to be neutral until an official email came, but I felt so confident! Everything felt so right, like this was what I was supposed to be doing. And then, nothing.

One thing that always seems to keep me grounded is that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that, whether it’s being late somewhere, or missing out on the return to Disney right now, or losing someone close to me, it all happens for some reason greater than my little mind can fathom. So I sit here, holding on to that small bead of hope. Somewhere out there in the Universe, it was decided that I didn’t need to return to Disney right now. So I will wait, because I believe I am still meant to return eventually. I am needed here, or someone needed the program more than I did. If one person can go to Disney and have the same self-realizing experience that I did last Spring, then maybe I can be okay with this outcome.

My heart hurts, and I long to be near the people I miss. I am sad for the broken plans and I am nervous to be here. I am not happy in my current job, and the idea of doing nothing but working for the next six to nine months in a place that doesn’t bring me joy scares me. I know what Winter does to me and I am scared for that too. There are positives, and I have made a list and I am trying to keep those things in mind. The plan has changed, but the world hasn’t ended. I’ve been saying for three weeks I just wish I knew, so I could start moving in whatever direction I needed to. Well now I know, and now I can make the next steps. Those steps are going to be painful and sad for a little while, but I have to trust that it will all be okay. I have to believe it all happened for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to.

So for now, I’ll be here. I’ll be missing my second home and my other family, but I will be waiting for the time when it is right for me to be where I need to be. I’ll see ya real soon, Walt, I promise.